my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
