I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
