I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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