I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
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He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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