it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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