update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
