sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize