I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
