I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
BRING THE BAGELS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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