Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If I die, sorry about rent.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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