I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
