I haven't been this sober since birth.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
