my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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