I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
