Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
