Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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