I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
