you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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