Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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