Nicole vs. Life
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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