What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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