OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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