When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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