Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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