just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
