What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
