Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
