she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
