I hate all girls vehemently.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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