Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
