If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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