I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
