she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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