I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
