I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
