I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
