Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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