He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
