we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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