My hair reeks of homosexuality.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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