You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
