my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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