i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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