Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
