I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
