it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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