Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
