I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I think i got beer on your cat.
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