She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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