is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
