i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
