You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
