My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
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Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."