so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?